i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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