Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
