I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Randomize
