We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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