just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
