Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Randomize
