Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
