Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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