I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I pour the whiskey from now on
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
