Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
