"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
