So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
not ubering you a puppy
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