the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
