i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
