All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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