After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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