I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i dont even know how to be here
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
