i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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