It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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