he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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