first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Randomize
