I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
What a fucking waste of an outfit
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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