I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
