you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize