I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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