I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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