Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
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