it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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