i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
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