So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
