you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
