this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
