I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
