do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
