life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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