you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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