god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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