we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize