Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize