not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize