i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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