dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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