i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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