I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
