Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
