yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
