Im at strip club and am horny
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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