TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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