It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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