Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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