She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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