I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
