Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
