we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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