She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
