My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
so let's talk penis.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
