this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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