sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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