My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize