I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
