I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
